Funny Quotes

"He, who doesn't know anything, and knows he doesn't know anything, knows more than he, who doesn't know anything, but doesn't know he doesn't know anything."

"It gets late early out there" -Yogi Berra (Baseball player)
"Ninty percent of the game is half mental" -Yogi Berra
"I'm schizophrenic. So am I." -Some kid's signature
"You produce more bullshit than a herd of bulls." -Ryan Langevin
"Go fuck yourself" -Dick Cheney
"Man who walk into airport sideways is going to bangkok" -Confucius

"He who knows what women want knows everything, but not even God knows that."

So, you like simposns eh?

Homer Quotes:
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer no function beer well without.
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Bart Quotes:
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas.
Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?
What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

Lisa Quote:
Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!

Ralph Quote:
Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Principal Skinner Quotes:
I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes ... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts!
I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.
That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
There's no justice like angry-mob justice.

Apu Quotes:
Mister Simpson! I will ask you to purchase your groceries, get out of this store and come again!
Pleas do not offer my God a peanut.

Chief Wiggum Quotes:
Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?
This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless!
All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

Mr Burns Quotes:
I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!
So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?

Nelson Quotes:
We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys.
Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.

Get a load of those.

This is hilarious... Go Australia, not to anyones offence though:

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read

"40 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".


If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on!


Thanks for saving my day, Perodious! I had an awful morning but your quote made my day! :)

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
There they are all standing in a row
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
Give them a twist a flick of the wrist
That's what the showman said"
- Danny Kaye?

Here's a nice quote for ya;

"No keyboard connected to your Computer. Press F1 to continue"
- Windows at startup


I hereby submit my humorous quotation to this bubbly gathering.

I am the Sofa King. My name is Rey tarr Dedd.

I am Sofa King, Rey Tarr Dedd!

I am so/facking/reytarrdedd.

MWAHAHAHA! YOU SAY FUNNY THINGS! -The song, Sofa King, by DangerDoom, Mouse in the Mask. Check It Out.

Also in the wake of this post, I salute the awesomeness of UnknownDNA. I see this as the beginning of a powerful alliance.

After Lordi won the Eurovision 2006:

Interviewer: "Aren't little kids afraid of you?"
Mr. Lordi: "Of us? We just look like the action figures they play with. It's their parents that are afraid."

Just found a HP with funny quotes. Here's some i found to my liking;

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
-- Sir Norman Wisdom

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
-- Marcel Achard

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
-- Leo Rosenberg

When our memories outweigh our dreams, we have grown old.
-- Bill Clinton

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
-- Dave Letterman

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy

Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
-- Joe Namath

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson

A girl phoned me the other day and said: "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over! Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

etc. etc.
There's tons more where it came from. "Just google it" as the wise nerds says! :D


I really can't remember who said this one... I heard in a local TK match:

"Bryan on globalisaation huipentuma: sukujuuret Pohjolassa, syntynyt Jenkeiss?, opiskellut Thaimaalaista kamppailulajia, ammuttu Hong Kongissa ja kasattu Japanissa korealaisista osista!"

This is very hard to translate... it goes something like this:

"Bryan is the top example of globalisation; his family roots are in Scandinavia, he's born in USA, studied a Martial Art from Thailand, he's shot in Hong Kong and re-animanted in Japan with Korean electronics!"

(Don't ask me about the Scandinavian family roots and Korean electronics, I wasn't the one who made this up... :D)

Kogamitsu : After Lordi won the Eurovision 2006:

Interviewer: "Aren't little kids afraid of you?"
Mr. Lordi: "Of us? We just look like the action figures they play with. It's their parents that are afraid."

A bit of a late reply, but I loved that quote :D
Blessed be the country that brought us Lordi ^_^

"It gets late early out there" -Yogi Berra
"I didn't really say everything I said"-Yogi Berra

If you type this guys name into google you should find a ton of good quotes (he was one of most quoted baseball players ever).

"I know what my future is. I'm Party Boy!" *dances* - Chris Pontius

Maybe it's not funny for everyone, but it cracks me up every time I hear it :D