a little stream
I used to struggles with maintaining focus, clearity and emotional stability. it's seemed that my thoughts was driving me nuts, and draining all of my energy and sense i've writen tons of papers (though very messy and unorganised like my mind) so i'll still have somewhat of an idea of what it was like, back then.
I've had lot's strong signals that i didn't understood the root of, the cause, the reason. that something, and that, doesn't coexist well with my need for reason and control. Truth be told, I feel alienated for so long, that had troubles relating to anybody even to a degree, that i've never payed atttention too, nor understood. I thought that loneliness was that you were isolated from interaction, not isolated from being able to relate and understand others.
I dreaded that back at my teenage years, I hated looking at my former class mates and it eventually began to effect my psyche, ultimately changing me into a very angry person but my anger was intoverted because my inner moral said to me; never let it out, you'll not be forgiven, or at other times; anger doesn't solve anything.
I'm glad that i'm able to look back and say that, I didn't do anything horrible to others, despite a very strong desire for doing so. It's was very taxing on my energy and it was stuck in that state for years and it felt like being capped at certain level. It made worse by the idea that anyone else was better than you, and you'll never be equal, you're inferior.
Luckly I know that no matter what freak you're or might think you're, there's always an outlet, despite how unreal it might seem. I've never tried to deny my oddness, however i've never tried to made excuses for it, or just given up on trying to change and adapt, especially when I feel that it's possible, or that I want it badly enough.
Truth be told, it's just nice to empty yourself once in awhile, and not wear a mask like some of our favorite characters ;) And damn I need it's more, that i'd like to admit...