Reflections and wonderings

First of all, I want to say that it's my first time ever to write a blog, or anything of that sort, so please don't expect too much from it ^^ oh noes here is goes...

I have reasonly reached an awareness of the fact, that my mind has constantly been going forwards, for a long time. Always thinking of what's next, rather than being in the moment, constantly planning.. Preparing for the next event, instead of the current.

It has made me wonder if I'm running away from myself, and that I'm not paying attention to my surroundings, and what that I might have been missing?

I have perhaps been too fixated on goals, because its makes stuff easier. It's hard to describe it, but this is the best that I can come up with right now. It’s to me like an automatic mechanism going on in my mind, that I haven't been paying any attention to due other distractions.

I'm been very familiar with the fact that, I need goals to seek. I'm very much a person searching for a goal, to help me and to motivate me with moving forwards in life.

My reasons never kept going any longer, than because the world around me was in full motion, and that I just had to follow with it as well, like everything living and breathing, or that because I had some personal ambitions for reaching something that felt better, than then current past. Perhaps it was helping with filling or avoiding a empty place within me, to help myself with opening my own eyes, to see that I wasn't stock and going nowhere.

In my eyes, I saw the world was in constant movement, going forwards, where I seemed to be bound to events behind in the past. I haven't thought about it, perhaps because it felt so natural, to just let my mind pull my body forwards.

Just like a puppeteer controlling a doll that's hanging along for the ride. I guess it sorta freaked me out on some level. I'm very much a person that has a big need for being in control, I never liked it when things can't be fixed, or more like in this case, more a matter of not having the right tools, to handling the issue.

I did many things to try to change the core or basic feeling of it, suppressing the emotions of me which influenced my thoughts, which were the root of my issues, because they can't be adjusted like a object, they shouldn't be allowed to interfere my mind.

I had this idea that said: If I can control my mind and thoughts, I can control what I feel, which is something I still believe to this very day.

I like to think that many of my own challenges and obstacles are from within myself. They are a byproduct of the way I channel information from everyday life and other events. This gives me a feeling that there is always a way, that I can influence my mood and thoughts. Again with the control theme: rolleyes:

It's very much to my own comfort, to think and feel that you can adjust and equip to your mind, to deal with every hard and stressful situation thrown at you in life.

I don't know if there is any truth, or something real to this point of view, but it's right now a part of the in my head that is under reconstruction, in fact I can't help but feeling that many of my ideas, are challenged more and more often. I hope it's a good thing, that signals that I'm open for changes, that I'm open for developments, inputs and learning, and not mass confusion: rolleyes:

Well yey for my first entry, hopefully this will be followed up in future.
(I apologize for spelling and grammar mistakes :S )

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